I am absolutely furious.
Caps lock is beneath me right now. I am furious at two things. You (you know who you are) and society. Imma rant about society first.
Society is a fucking bitch. Is this really what we’ve been reduced to? The idea of perfection? Of size 0 jeans, DD cup bra’s and cake makeup? Really? I don’t understand. It’s society and all their stupid rules that create all this mental instability. 100 years ago, there was almost no mental instability, unless there was actually something wrong with you. Now mental instability is much more common, and it’s all due to this stupid rules and standards that people feel they have to live up to. Cutting, depression, anorexia, bulimia is now common. I know at least 5 people that all have these disorders, and I haven’t even reached my second decade yet. I haven’t fully lived, and neither have they, yet they’ve subconsciously decided to take the world on their shoulders and force themselves to feel something so that they can reach this idea of “perfection”, or to force themselves to feel something because they feel that no matter what they do they will never be good enough.
Now C, I honestly do not know what to do. This is the second time you have relapsed into anorexia, and it kills me every time. I’ve been there for you the first time, and I will be again, and again and again if this continues to happen. But I can only do this so much, I can only be as comforting as I can, and I can only offer my point of view. But you need to cooperate. Stop being so stubborn. I know you, I know you really well, and if you don’t want to do something you won’t do it. You’re just 14 love, you’re much younger than the rest of us in our class, and I know that’s hard to cope with as you have to grow up as fast as you can to try and keep up, but I need you to live. Last time you were this stubborn, they had to force you to go to the Doctor against your will, and he told you if you had left it a week more you would have died. I can’t lose you C. Not to death, not to society, not to anything. I may not be the most dependent person, and I may like to spend a lot of time by myself, and I may never cry, and I know you’re the complete opposite of the things I just said, but believe me, if I lost you for good, I don’t know what I would do.
I’m not sure whether I should continue what I’m doing, or give you some tough love which is what I’m best at, because it’s the way I learnt to cope with my problems, but I feel that I need you to be happy, and even if that means leaving school again for a couple of months and having to repeat a year, I don’t mind. Please, do anything just stay alive for me. You don’t know how beautiful you are. You make absolutely no effort, yet you are more intelligent, more beautiful, more attractive both in personality and looks than 9/10’s of the girls in our school. You have integrity, which is a lot more than I can say about the majority of the people I know.
Society is killing is all. It gives us insecurities, it makes us feel small, telling us we won’t succeed or reach our dreams. Dreams are all we have for certain in this life, and society finds a way to belittle them, and us into believing we are nothing, no one.
Obviously I have insecurities too. I can always be prettier, funnier, smarter. I may not be the skinniest person, and my mother kills me for it everyday. But I will not give in to this society and these standards that we live in. I have not cut, am not diagnosed with depression, nor anorexia nor bulimia. I will make my own standards. Because I can. It’s my life, it’s my society I live in, and it’s also my body and my personality. You can take it or leave it because I’m never going to change, not for you, not for anyone. I embrace my flaws, as hard as it may be because quite frankly, they make me who I am. If I didn’t have them, I wouldn’t be me. As much as I may complain, I don’t mind my stomach, my large calves from years of ballet, my workers hands, my witch nose, my eyes that could be bigger, my curly hair which can’t be tamed. They’re mine, not yours. Society tries to kill us by getting people to judge others, as a way to make themselves feel better. Well truth be told, judging a person does not define who they are, it defines who YOU are. You’re a coward, you’re weak, you cannot stand up for yourself. Because giving up to society is easier. It may be easier, but believe me, the road will not be happier. It will be long and painful and will make you break. And that is where all the mental instability comes from, from taking the easier road. Stand up. Be strong. It may be hard at first, but believe me it gets better.
I hope anyone who reads this will choose to stand up to society, and think before they pick up the razor, before they pass up on a salad, before they stick their fingers down their throat. It gets easier, you just have to be strong in the beginning, and it gets easier. I’ve done it, and still am.
If I can do it…
…so can you.
